How do I start….?

Well it needs a bit of self introduction so here I am….  A 21 year old, born in some rural part of rajasthan, brought up in the semi urban city of Tirunelveli.
A marwadi by birth, a three fold blind believer in love, poet and a keep it to myself kind of person.

Being from the rural part of India where the logic takes the back seat and culture and traditions (whether right or wrong who cares) prevails and being brought up in the  semi urban India with parents from rural India, the life which I was bestowed with was never a cake walk. Over the years with every passing day, with every routine I got used to it until she happened to me.

The only woman.

Honestly I dont believe in stuffs like love at first sight and neither was I as  attracted to her then as I m now. I was in my 9th grade when she happened to pursue her studies with our school. The day she came in, she became the talk of town in no time. Well it had to be of that sort because a girl as hot or as charming as her was pleasing to eyes. She was the much needed cynosure everybody was longing for. Initially I didn’t get carried away with all the hullabaloo surrounding her but gradually with every conversation I had with her, every time we looked at each other (the staring game) my heart gave in. I was totally lost courtesy of her character, her modesty, her kindness and her unconditional friendship. They eloped me towards her. I was honestly in love with the only woman.

But being from where I am and the fear of my cultural influence, I never conveyed my feelings to her.The thing that I still regret the most.

Well I was not the only one who fell in love with the beauty she is, and the other guy had the courage to utter those three magical words which I always wanted to. And yes, no price for guessing; she implied.

I was upset about it though I didn’t show it. We shared this beautiful bond that I didn’t want to ruin so I always kept it to myself rather than throwing up my anguish on her.

To her I was always this innocent guy with a future as bright as the sun, she used to tell me that you don’t even have to work hard, you just have to try and everything you want will be at your feet. Little did she know that all I wanted in my life was her and I didn’t even try.

Years passed, we graduated from high school. Life moved on. Slowly, steadily I thought I am getting over her. Though I never did, I always kept a check on her, whom she is with, what she does. I hated spying on her but I was not able to keep myself away from her.

In between she fell in love thrice and all three time she was left with a broken heart. I have no idea how or why it happened but I was not able to bear the depression she was passing through.

Emotionally I am a very weak person, I dont handle them well. Though I don’t cry it out, I have no idea actually when I did cry out last. To me emotions are complex. I dont understand them. But whenever I saw her sad I felt sad, whenever I saw her happy I was feelin joyous, whenever she cried ( couple of times ) my heart and brain never worked.

We Indians are pretty good with maintaing our culture and trend, so as it goes,people started calling her names I cannot even fathom of against her. Abusing someone comes naturally to us, isn’t it? We are so good at it.

Just because she had been in a relationship for couple of times doesn’t mean she is whatever you call. But we hardly learn our lessons and she became the talk of the town again, this time for all the wrong reasons.

“How many guys will she fool? Is she a bitch or what?”
A banter from one of her friend.

“She is 100% not a virigin…. A whore for sure”
A criticism by one of her classmate.

“A slut she is. Who she think she is” One of her ex

“I will post all her dirty pics and videos on some adult sites” which his ex actually did and later paid the price.

“Chiii….. How can she be so naive and uncultured”
One of her best friend.

On the other side I got an opportunity to be urbanised and Bangalore came all calling. By god it was one heck of a city, the crowd, the roads, the monsoon everything was so pleasing and to get over her I started to do what every devdas(a typical name for failure in love) does, Alcohol. The thing about alcohol is that once you take it in, it takes you out of the world. It such a nice companion to have when you have nothing else.

And the thing about pain is….  Yeah like John green stated in “Fault in our stars” it demands to be felt…. But there is more to pain than just paining. Its not temporary. Some pain goes with time. Some magnifies with time. And she was my pain which just multiplied every passing day.

She had moved to chennai by then. She was new to the city taking baby steps, initially she found it hard to retrieve any friends over there due to her daunting past. But it was least she worried about. She had me then, as a friend, as a phone friend, as a start-stop flirting device or whatever you call. Call it my luck as I happened to visit to chennai for some official work and she knew about it, so we fixed a meeting over a phone call and called truce on it. After a few initial obstacles I finally got to meet her at a place where we could be ourselves. I spent a whole day in chennai in her company and it was one of the happiest day of my life. We did bowling, watched movies,feared the horror, parallel street walks, by side auto sharing, boarding chennai locals, full on boozing and what not. She is at her best when she is drunk and I start loving her more when she is a bit high because that’s when she is herself. After a few shots she felt the blue in her and made more sense than she ever did. She held my hand like a child hold its mother’s hand. I couldn’t have asked for more. We shared old memories and she started opening up about how good things would have been if she had fell in love with me at the first place. She was inebriated and I didn’t want anyone to even near her, I feared her safety. So I decided to drop her safe at her place which I did against her own wish. She said “I don’t want this night to end, let’s live this night forever, why you’re being so nice, come on let’s celebrate” and smiled cheerfully. I dropped her at her place and before she retreated, she called me back, she kissed me and we shared a sweet little hug. “Be back soon” the last thing she said before I started my walk back.

After a heavenly day with her I resorted back to my hub. The routine was just killing me. Why can’t I be with her every day? Why can’t she just happens to love me? Why am I so lonely without her?
I was totally depressed.

She mean the world to me, I realised.

Someday it happened, she fell in love.I was on the seventh heaven.I don’t know whether she did it to make me feel happy or she wanted it the same way. But she was in love with me. There was nothing more I could have asked. My world was upside down. I didn’t care about the consequences I may face due to this. I didn’t care my friends yelling about the fact that she is using me. I just didnt care.

We were happy in love. I wrote poems for her day and night. We had this long distance relationship. We whatsapp’ed like a billion exchanges. Talked non stop for hours and hours.Conveying how much we love each other like a zillion time. Though I admit that being in a long distance relationship sucks but the fact that I was just that with her made my days and nights worthy of it. She asked for more. I gave her more. When the day came calling we met up again, this time not as friends but soulmates. That one day with her is the best day of my life and nothing can change that. We talked. We did non sense. We danced. We got inebriated(thank Smirnoff for that). We cuddled. We made love. We played love. We did study. We cared. She cried(you know I don’t cry). We hugged. And we fell asleep in each others arm. 24 hours of solitudness with your loved one is like paradise and I am not saying this due to the intimacy factor but because of the respect, love, space and care we shared.

A few days went by and I didn’t see it coming.

Little did I know that beautiful things don’t last so long. Ask a rose? It has limited life cycle. And my rose too left me high and dry when i needed her the most. She hooked up with some other guy and now I was just somebody she used to know. All I wanted to ask her was why, but she turned a deaf ear. Block. Block. Block. The same person with whom she exchanged a billion exchanges now there were none. We talked for hours then but now even a minute seemed torturing. These days its easy to block some one than facing the truth. She never replied to my messages. Never attended my calls. This new guy now suddenly meant the world to her which a few months back was my crown. She was happy with her newly found love. She would pose pictures for him, would call him her soulmate.

She went so far….She used to say that she will love me forever but little did I know then that her forever is tomorrow.

There was one question that was killing me….
What was my fault?
I didn’t have any idea.
I felt like cheated and the worst part, by the one I loved the most.

I asked myself what makes a love true. Six years of faithfulness or a few months of fun with a stranger then, soulmate now. I neither had the answer nor I am ever going to find one until she explains.

She left. Her thoughts didn’t. I tried my level best to make amends. But she was admant in her decision. She gave an explanation whose logic would even give the South Indians movies a heart attack. And I quote “Look okay I was in love with you, that was a phase in my life where I didn’t know what was happening and whatever happened between us should never had happened, I am sorry for it, but life has to move on I need to change with the change if I dont I’ll be strangled over here, sorry, but try to change yourself, better luck”.

In a low baritone I replied “Changes dont work over me”.

She hung up. Pushing me in this well called depression, there was no way out of it. Everytime I tried climbing the unclimbable I got hit hard on the ground. I needed some solace, I found it nowhere. Even alcohol failed to console me(a rarity, yes). I forgot smiling, forgot happiness, forgot my mirror the only thing I ever remembered was her.

Days passed by, months passed by, time failed to heal my depression, the only emotion that could be seen on my face was that of a drunk man trying to sober down. The nights became more sleepless, days became more meaningless. The routine continued.

I loved her. But she will hardly understand, she lives her life her own way and she may be right in what she does but what she did to me nobody would attest to it as right. Nobody.

One night while trying to sleep,

“Is it so easy to ditch someone like that? She deserves your wrath, go punish her” yelled my insides. “No you love her don’t hurt her” replied my heart. “Come on you have all the evidence put her to shame for what she did” argued my brain. “Do you love her” asked my heart. I never said no. I do and i m not gonna hurt her anytime. Even if she hurt me to my death bed. “She might do the same with that other guy” said my brain. She wont , she didnt ditch, she just left me to be happy. If she is happy with some other guy, let her be. But one’s happiness at the cost of another’s dont call for justice argued my brain. I didn’t find an answer and i never want to.

I was totally lost with what she did. One part of me thought that she used me for her sexual pleasure while the other part still loved her overwhelmingly. One part of me wanted to avenge her while the other just wanted a glance of her. One part of me loved her unconditionally while the other part of me wanted to question her.

After a few weeks fate came calling. I was on a tour to her place. Though I always wished to see her I was not expecting it. She already had asked me to stay away. So I never went to her place but as it goes I went to an educational institution to help out a friend of mine and there she was. The unexpected happened so expectedly. I saw her and she saw me. Neither of us expecting it. The last time we were together we were in each others arms but now she was with somebody else. We looked, just looked into each other eyes. No words. She took the first leap forward waived a “Hi” and retreated without saying much. I was awestruck at first but then I wanted her badly so I rushed towards her, and called her. Her friend or soulmate or whatever he is tried to interfere but she composed him and came with me for a talk. I wanted to talk my heart out but the euphoria of meeting her took over me and words failed me. We were just making eye contact. Her eyes speaking to mine, asking not to create a scence out of our past. I never wanted to, so I just smiled. I just smiled, a painful smile, a heartbreaking smile, a lonely smile. A smile back to the depression.

She left taking the passenger side on his avenger with her arms on his shoulders. The very happening of this scene left me with lot to ponder upon. She left with a clear intention of never returning back. She wanted to let me know that she is never coming back. Move on. But go tell her, how can I move on when every move leads to her.
She has left a void in me which is hard to fill in.

I can never be myself without her because she is the only woman of my life.

I hope someday she will understand how i feel….
I dunno whether she is a whore or a slut or a bitch as they call her  or the kind hearted girl,lovable girl i know……

I would leave that to you.

We humans are not the same, our life is gonna end somewhere, no one knows where, but the thing is that you play with toys, play sports you like, but dont play with anyone’s feeling. I tell you personally its bad, damn bad. It’s worse than dying.

And the thing about change….. Changes are good,changes are necessary, changes are part and parcel of life…. But to change from what you’re and what you stand for is something to be held back. Because you’re so beautiful when you’re your own self. Be that. And see where it takes you.

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “The only woman

  1. ~oh man, is this a real story? I read the whole thing, and was hoping, really hoping, that at the end, the guy would get over the girl :/ she really sounded like she was just using him. Sometimes, I wonder how anyone can fall in love with such people 😦 He should look for another girl, cause there are tons out there. Tons out there who are tons more loving, caring, fun, and real. Not girls who just use you. I should know, cause I know tons of girls who are caring, and tons who only use men. The girls who use men tell their girl friends about the men they use- laugh behind the men`s backs. I don`t like their type very much 😦 They make me feel sad for the men they date(play with).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yea! It’s a real one. Sometimes love make you do crazy things,things you cant even fathom about. This thing keep haunting me, sometimes love pushes you too deep into something that it’s hard to climb up.

      Like

    2. Personally….what I feel is…u did the right thing…….. Sometimes u need to set ur love free… I can feel ur pain…because I hav a long distance relationship….n the pain of not being able to see each other frustrates me every single time….. For u all I can say that….hatts off man…. U r blessed with so much of hope n love n patience…. U should never regret because… Its the girl who has lost u…. She lost an amazing person… And an amazing lover… Keep it uPp dude..!! Ill pray that ull very soon find someone… Who truly deserves ur love……

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh! My God, your story broke my heart. It should not be happened with anybody. As it has already happened, the boy should do just one thing and forgive the girl totally for what she did and better start moving on with a smile on his face and start loving your own self, should cherish his own company, should become his own soulmate and other I love me stuff. Complaining about situations and living in past is not a situation. Start loving yourself first, you will definitely find this time the right ‘ONE AND ONLY ONE WOMAN’ who will love you forever πŸ˜› My good wishes are with you for your soon getting fixed heart πŸ˜› with the self love. It was just my simple opinion it might work out by the way, I believe πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The girl with the golden heart It’s not that i didn’t tried but as it goes sometimes when love crosses the limits, it becomes craze and craze is something that dont die an easy death. I hope i get over this hangover but the thing everytime i try my craziness inflates.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think you have accepted that completely that she has gone and you are still standing there thinking of her. First of all accept the fact that you have to live your life only without her and trust me that life will also be more than worth living, it will be amazing if you’ll want. Why not to engage yourself in your hobbies, interests and friends or whatever you cherish. And I have say it again (can you imagine again 😱 ) ‘why people go so mad in love?’ Maybe I am not gonna get that πŸ˜‹ but still wanna help you from the bottom of my heart, yes of course with my little stupid ideas. But I am praying it to work out in your case. (Good for me and you too 😊). I am quite mean 😜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Trust me, if i m here today , blogging or poeting or musing or writing inspiring blogs…..its all due to her. Your help is appriciated thank you very much, your little stupid ideas works overtime.I hope it works in my condition to. My hobby and interest are writing,poeting and thats why i have chose this platform to explore,the platform where people like me find their true solace.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh you are still indirectly talking about her that u love blogging and poeting and into it because of her. For God sake let her go from your heart, your heart also want that, to blossom and blah blah blah. For a change give that love and attention to yourself instead of thinking of her. I know situation is quite worst but at least it that it can be healed totally and it will one day and trust me u will just gonna smile over it in future. It is that easy only if you will want it. Try step by step, and I know you can do it…..

        Liked by 1 person

      4. πŸ˜‡ you’re truly the girl with the golden heart, A better friend and what not. And you’re right i will get over her someday, someday i ll crawl out of this trap and that day you ll be the first person i would share it with😊
        The girl with the golden heart
        You are really poles apart

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you thank you, it’s my pleasure and I know I am the one and thank u so so much for accepting that u will recover with this crap one day, see things are already working out. And soon i am going to get the good news and that will be a true victory for me and please please please do let me know it soon. And I told you no, it’s way easy…..

        Liked by 1 person

  3. This was a heart wrenching story. I believe most of us have gone through this phase at some point of time. I wouldn’t ask you not to grieve. That is the only way out. But try to keep yourself occupied all day. At the end of the day, it will all come back flooding to you. That is certain. But you can keep your grief at bay at least during the day right? After some months (for me, it took years), it will fade. Time does have that power. To take things away from us. That day, when u get over her will be the happiest day after a long while. Trust me! That will happen πŸ™‚ Until then, find solace in music, books, poem, writing and everything you love(other than her) πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well… You got that right on the money. I m trying to vent out somehow and yeah you’re right the nights are the most tormenting and the days feel like years , yeah music, poem and writing are my place of solace. And people like you, girlwithgoldengeart,riverstardust have really boosted me up to move on and i will someday.
      I really really hope your soul was not as tormented as mine. It takes its toll.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know. We can’t measure. Can we? People say it depends upon the number of years of love that you invested. Others say it depends upon how involved you got. But I believe that it depends upon the person you are. It depends upon your heart and sensitivity. For me, it was terrible. But, once I was out of it, I was happy that it happened. πŸ™‚ After all, what is life without scars? πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yea… You’re right, A life without scar, the thing about scar is the wound get healed but the scars dont fade. They live with you, breathe with you, stay with you and enough time passes they become one of you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Omg I read the whole thing and was almost like the only woman will come to you and she will realise that you were just perfect for her!
    I know that feeling when you can’t get over someone!
    You’re still into her no!!?
    Do you think she felt the same connection when you met her after your breakup when you went for some official trip?!
    But why to not to live life because of her?
    *you’ll be like I won’t understand and all but I know this and have seen many people going through this kind of situation..*
    She sounds mean to you or she is just not serious about Life!
    I guess she just gets attracted to someone and she hooks up!
    You should move on!!
    *I know everything you see it reminds of her*
    Sorry I replied late!
    Take care! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Am i still into her?
      Well i m kind of, coz i considered her as my life and as you know it’s hard to move on from your own life
      About the after break trip met?
      Like i said i was speechless ,the euphoria didnt let me notice,What she was feeling like.

      Like

  5. Oh holy mother of God! I can’t even comprehend the pain you must have gone through. I’m a little mature for my age and I’m often told that I read people for what they truly are. And by what you described I really don’t think that she was as into you as you were. The reason you so deeply felt for her must be that you never had her in the first place. We humans are known to love things that we know we have no chance of achieving. You were just a guy when you met her. And when you couldn’t have her you wanted to be with her even more. So you kept tabs on her.
    When you were finally with her you must have thought that it may last forever coz you loved her truly but from what you described it didn’t seem like she did. She seemed like an immature girl who fell in love quite often. And people who fall in love often never really love anyone. They just like the feeling of being in love.
    You’ve been hurt and you’ve been hurt bad. You won’t get over it immediately, it’ll take time. But you can’t give up on life like this. You have to realise that you’re way too young to be a devdas. You have your whole life ahead of you. And you’ll find a girl someday who will truly love you. That will be the time when you’ll realise that your wait was worth it πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Muskan…. Yeah you’re a little mature for your age and yes devdas shouldn’t be that young…I don’t understand her, i never did, i just understood what love is and followed it, and see the consequences i faced. But i m glad now that i faced it…..😊 ClichΓ© (you know it) for being there….

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh boy ur words bleed & bleed and shook me over……..and u say u r emotionally weak, i beg to differ, u still believe in love and kindness and that’s strength to me….. m being no expert or so but since I got to know it i must tell u as almost every other ‘expert’ would have …its only u who can help urself and believe that sun would shine again and life will blossom too…….n hopefully u r doing so ..I certainly developed a rapport of respect for u bud, keep smiling πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree and believe u will emerge as winner (although lovers never lose) ………..I dunno should i state this that i find striking reminiscence in a poem i wrote to that of urs under the name heartbeats 9…hopefully u’ll like it πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s