How do I start….?
Well it needs a bit of self introduction so here I am…. A 21 year old, born in some rural part of rajasthan, brought up in the semi urban city of Tirunelveli.
A marwadi by birth, a three fold blind believer in love, poet and a keep it to myself kind of person.
Being from the rural part of India where the logic takes the back seat and culture and traditions (whether right or wrong who cares) prevails and being brought up in the semi urban India with parents from rural India, the life which I was bestowed with was never a cake walk. Over the years with every passing day, with every routine I got used to it until she happened to me.
The only woman.
Honestly I dont believe in stuffs like love at first sight and neither was I as attracted to her then as I m now. I was in my 9th grade when she happened to pursue her studies with our school. The day she came in, she became the talk of town in no time. Well it had to be of that sort because a girl as hot or as charming as her was pleasing to eyes. She was the much needed cynosure everybody was longing for. Initially I didn’t get carried away with all the hullabaloo surrounding her but gradually with every conversation I had with her, every time we looked at each other (the staring game) my heart gave in. I was totally lost courtesy of her character, her modesty, her kindness and her unconditional friendship. They eloped me towards her. I was honestly in love with the only woman.
But being from where I am and the fear of my cultural influence, I never conveyed my feelings to her.The thing that I still regret the most.
Well I was not the only one who fell in love with the beauty she is, and the other guy had the courage to utter those three magical words which I always wanted to. And yes, no prize for guessing; she implied.
I was upset about it though I didn’t show it. We shared this beautiful bond that I didn’t want to ruin so I always kept it to myself rather than throwing up my anguish on her.
To her I was always this innocent guy with a future as bright as the sun, she used to tell me that you don’t even have to work hard, you just have to try and everything you want will be at your feet. Little did she know that all I wanted in my life was her and I didn’t even try.
Years passed, we graduated from high school. Life moved on. Slowly, steadily I thought I am getting over her. Though I never did, I always kept a check on her, whom she is with, what she does. I hated spying on her but I was not able to keep myself away from her.
In between she fell in love thrice and all three time she was left with a broken heart. I have no idea how or why it happened but I was not able to bear the depression she was passing through.
Emotionally I am a very weak person, I dont handle them well. Though I don’t cry it out, I have no idea actually when I did cry out last. To me emotions are complex. I dont understand them. But whenever I saw her sad I felt sad, whenever I saw her happy I was feelin joyous, whenever she cried ( couple of times ) my heart and brain never worked.
We Indians are pretty good with maintaing our culture and trend, so as it goes,people started calling her names I cannot even fathom of against her. Abusing someone comes naturally to us, isn’t it? We are so good at it.
Just because she had been in a relationship for couple of times doesn’t mean she is whatever you call. But we hardly learn our lessons and she became the talk of the town again, this time for all the wrong reasons.
“How many guys will she fool? Is she a bitch or what?”
A banter from one of her friend.
“She is 100% not a virigin…. A whore for sure”
A criticism by one of her classmate.
“A slut she is. Who she think she is” One of her ex.
“Chiii….. How can she be so naive and uncultured”
One of her best friend.
On the other side I got an opportunity to be urbanised and Bangalore came all calling. By god it was one heck of a city, the crowd, the roads, the monsoon everything was so pleasing and to get over her I started to do what every devdas(a typical name for failure in love) does, Alcohol. The thing about alcohol is that once you take it in, it takes you out of the world. It is such a nice companion to have when you have nothing else.
And the thing about pain is…. Yeah like John green stated in “Fault in our stars” it demands to be felt…. But there is more to pain than just paining. Its not temporary. Some pain goes with time. Some magnifies with time. And she was my pain which just multiplied every passing day.
She had moved to chennai by then. She was new to the city taking baby steps, initially she found it hard to retrieve any friends over there due to her daunting past. But it was least she worried about. She had me then, as a friend, as a phone friend, as a start-stop flirting device or whatever you call. Call it my luck as I happened to visit to chennai for some official work and she knew about it, so we fixed a meeting over a phone call and called truce on it. After a few initial obstacles I finally got to meet her at a place where we could be ourselves. I spent a whole day in chennai in her company and it was one of the happiest day of my life. We did bowling, watched movies,feared the horror, parallel street walks, by side auto sharing, boarding chennai locals, full on boozing and what not. She is at her best when she is drunk and I start loving her more when she is a bit high because that’s when she is herself. After a few shots she felt the blue in her and made more sense than she ever did. She held my hand like a child hold its mother’s hand. I couldn’t have asked for more. We shared old memories and she started opening up about how good things would have been if she had fell in love with me at the first place. She was inebriated and I didn’t want anyone to even near her, I feared her safety. So I decided to drop her safe at her place which I did against her own wish. She said “I don’t want this night to end, let’s live this night forever, why you’re being so nice, come on let’s celebrate” and smiled cheerfully. I dropped her at her place and before she retreated, she called me back, she kissed me and we shared a sweet little hug. “Be back soon” the last thing she said before I started my walk back.
After a heavenly day with her I resorted back to my hub. The routine was just killing me. Why can’t I be with her every day? Why can’t she just happens to love me? Why am I so lonely without her?
I was totally depressed.
She mean the world to me, I realised.
Someday it happened, she fell in love.I was on the seventh heaven.I don’t know whether she did it to make me feel happy or she wanted it the same way. But she was in love with me. There was nothing more I could have asked. My world was upside down. I didn’t care about the consequences I may face due to this. I didn’t care my friends yelling about the fact that she is using me. I just didnt care.
We were happy in love. I wrote poems for her day and night. We had this long distance relationship. We whatsapp’ed like a billion exchanges. Talked non stop for hours and hours.Conveying how much we love each other like a zillion time. Though I admit that being in a long distance relationship sucks but the fact that I was just that with her made my days and nights worthy of it. She asked for more. I gave her more. When the day came calling we met up again, this time not as friends but soulmates. That one day with her is the best day of my life and nothing can change that. We talked. We did non sense. We danced. We got inebriated(thank Smirnoff for that). We cuddled. We made love. We played love. We did study. We cared. She cried(you know I don’t cry). We hugged. And we fell asleep in each others arm. 24 hours of solitudness with your loved one is like paradise and I am not saying this due to the intimacy factor but because of the respect, love, space and care we shared.
A few months went by and I didn’t see it coming.
Little did I know that beautiful things don’t last so long. Ask a rose? It has limited life cycle. And my rose too left me high and dry when i needed her the most. She hooked up with some other guy and now I was just somebody she used to know. All I wanted to ask her was why, but she turned a deaf ear. The same person with whom she exchanged a billion exchanges now there were none. We talked for hours then but now even a minute seemed torturing. These days its easy to block some one than facing the truth. She never replied to my messages. Never attended my calls. This new guy now suddenly meant the world to her which a few months back was my crown. She was happy with her newly found love. She would pose pictures for him, would call him her soulmate.
She went so far….She used to say that she will love me forever but little did I know then that her forever is tomorrow.
There was one question that was killing me….
What was my fault?
I didn’t have any idea.
I felt like cheated and the worst part, by the one I loved the most.
I asked myself what makes a love true. Six years of faithfulness or a few months of fun with a stranger then, soulmate now. I neither had the answer nor I am ever going to find one until she explains.
She left. Her thoughts didn’t. I tried my level best to make amends. But she was admant in her decision. She gave an explanation whose logic would even give the South Indians movies a heart attack. And I quote “Look okay I was in love with you, that was a phase in my life where I didn’t know what was happening and whatever happened between us should never had happened, I am sorry for it, but life has to move on I need to change with the change if I dont I’ll be strangled over here, sorry, but try to change yourself, better luck”.
In a low baritone I replied “Changes dont work over me”.
She hung up. Pushing me in this well called depression, there was no way out of it. Everytime I tried climbing the unclimbable I got hit hard on the ground. I needed some solace, I found it nowhere. Even alcohol failed to console me(a rarity, yes). I forgot smiling, forgot happiness, forgot my mirror the only thing I ever remembered was her.
Days passed by, months passed by, time failed to heal my depression, the only emotion that could be seen on my face was that of a drunk man trying to sober down. The nights became more sleepless, days became more meaningless. The routine continued.
I loved her. But she will hardly understand, she lives her life her own way and she may be right in what she does but what she did to me nobody would attest to it as right. Nobody.
One night while trying to sleep,
“Is it so easy to ditch someone like that? She deserves your wrath, go punish her” yelled my insides. “No you love her don’t hurt her” replied my heart. “Come on you have all the evidence put her to shame for what she did” argued my brain. “Do you love her” asked my heart. I never said no. I do and i m not gonna hurt her anytime. Even if she hurt me to my death bed. “She might do the same with that other guy” said my brain. She wont , she didnt ditch, she just left me to be happy. If she is happy with some other guy, let her be. But one’s happiness at the cost of another’s dont call for justice argued my brain. I didn’t find an answer and i never want to.
I was totally lost with what she did. One part of me thought that she used me for her sexual pleasure while the other part still loved her overwhelmingly. One part of me wanted to avenge her while the other just wanted a glance of her. One part of me loved her unconditionally while the other part of me wanted to question her.
After a few weeks fate came calling. I was on a tour to Chennai. Though I always wished to see her I was not expecting it. She already had asked me to stay away. So I never went to her place but as it goes I went to an educational institution to help out a friend of mine and there she was. The unexpected happened so expectedly. I saw her and she saw me. Neither of us expecting it. The last time we were together we were in each others arms but now she was with somebody else. We looked, just looked into each other eyes. No words. She took the first leap forward waived a “Hi” and retreated without saying much. I was awestruck at first but then I wanted her badly so I rushed towards her, and called her. Her friend or soulmate or whatever he is tried to interfere but she composed him and came with me for a talk. I wanted to talk my heart out but the euphoria of meeting her took over me and words failed me. We were just making eye contact. Her eyes speaking to mine, asking not to create a scence out of our past. I never wanted to, so I just smiled. I just smiled, a painful smile, a heartbreaking smile, a lonely smile. A smile back to the depression.
She left taking the passenger side on his avenger with her arms on his shoulders. The very happening of this scene left me with lot to ponder upon. She left with a clear intention of never returning back. She wanted to let me know that she is never coming back. Move on. But go tell her, how can I move on when every move leads to her.
She has left a void in me which is hard to fill in.
I can never be myself without her because she is the only woman of my life.
I hope someday she will understand how i feel….
I dunno whether she is a whore or a slut or a bitch as they call her or the kind hearted girl,lovable girl i know……
I would leave that to you.
We humans are not the same, our life is gonna end somewhere, no one knows where, but the thing is that you play with toys, play sports you like, but dont play with anyone’s feeling. I tell you personally its bad, damn bad. It’s worse than dying.
And the thing about change….. Changes are good,changes are necessary, changes are part and parcel of life…. But to change from what you’re and what you stand for is something to be held back. Because you’re so beautiful when you’re your own self. Be that. And see where it takes you.